i thought that when i’d post next, i’d be happily complaining about how much pregnancy sucks. it was fun to go back and read my old blog posts from my pregnancy with e when i didn’t have any experience to go back on and recall and everything was completely fresh and new. so i am writing this new post because writing does help me to process all the jumbled mess of thoughts that fly through my head in a passive way and i need some help processing.
so i entered the start of my thanksgiving break complaining about my nausea and my tired body from teaching and being a mom all day. i was 10 weeks pregnant and i was just getting used to the idea of a whole lot of changes coming our way soon again. i found my first experience with childbirth and childrearing in the first year a task i was not looking forward to to do again so when i found myself finally ready for our second child, it was a big deal and i was shocked to see how it only took 2 months to get pregnant. we told family and friends the good news and as i started to already plan for my next maternity leave in my head, i went to the garage to search for some of my maternity pants with the wonderful elastic bands that allowed for no more muffin tops—just an unconstricted round mass.
i went with paul to our first obgyn appointment on the first day of thanksgiving break and we were almost giddy to see the sonogram and start all over. our doctor showed us the fully formed head and the little arms and feet and my heart felt full. so quickly did it happen in which i heard the words “i’m so sorry” and tears started to uncontrollably fall from my face. complete shock—i didn’t know why but the thought that the baby wouldn’t make didn’t even cross my mind. all the nausea and the growing belly and the tiredness–i had already been thinking that everything had been going well. but the baby had made it to 9 weeks and our doctor told us it was most likely a chromosomal abnormality that cause the baby to not make it. the rest of the week was a bit of a blur—we scheduled the d and c procedure, then i went under general anesthesia to get it done and i did not feel sadness yet– just hunger for good food at not having been able to eat for so long, and then my family was in town for thanksgiving and my mind was occupied. i was all business for all that had to be done but when my family left and things quieted down, the last weekend was my mourning period. i cried at huggies commercials, the bulging bellies of other pregnant mothers, my name not being in the church bulletin next to “please pray for pregnant moms,” and evelyn asking me why the baby had to go to heaven. i also told myself to make the best of things and had lots of strong cold brew, cocktails, and wine that i had missed.
then a gush of heavy bleeding and contraction like pain started yesterday which wasn’t supposed to happen after a d and c. the whole point of a d and c was to get everything cleared out so i didn’t go through all the bloody pain. took today off and saw the ob again today….got prescribed something to get more contractions to clear out more of whatever is left behind, so now i’m expecting another few hours of a bloody gush in the next two days and hoping that i don’t have to go through another d and c procedure. how i hated the sharp contractions that made me gasp in pain to clear my body of something i had so wanted.
and here i am. all this in a week and i feel like a different person: a little more raw and hurting in places i have not felt before, a lot more thankful for the bundle of joy he has already given us, and more tenderly aware of Christ’s love for me when i’m aching.