fall 2009

fall-trees-01

five days have passed into fall but i’m confused as it seems like summer has never ended out in california. you’d think that after the 3rd “fall” in california after being out in the east coast, i’d have acclimated to the 2-3 degree drop in temperature that’s supposed to mark the new season, but i long for real true east coast foliage of bright oranges reds and yellows and the almost chilly breeze signaling that something new is beginning.

i’d be a jerk for complaining about the 80 something weather this past week and an even bigger one for whining-simultaneously-bragging that i can go lie out near the pool or take a 20 minute drive to a beach whenever i feel like it because it really is that warm out here but let me explain. someone once told me in korean that women are like the wind in fall. i didn’t really get it then as i remember just smiling and nodding, and i still don’t really see the deep significance behind this simile for women as a whole, but on an individual scale, i think comparing myself to a fall breeze is apt. i love fall.  it’s a deep passion of primary colors emerging from an otherwise complacent and pleasantly green world. the sharp contrast is real and fierce and perhaps it provokes a desire in me to have passion awaken. and this is why i so ungratefully complain. i want some bright uneven colors and sharp breeze.

an update on what i’ve been up to. i had a kicking and screaming period of trying to settle with the idea of being unemployed this year. the school season has begun and i haven’t been able to find a job teaching biology. i arrogantly thought that finding a teaching job should be easy as pie, but the budget cuts in california weren’t pretty in san diego districts and i’d even be thankful for jobs to apply to at this moment.  yes—i had a good taste of humble pie. but humble pie really has been “good” for me at this time. i feel like God’s teaching me to let go and place my reliance on him and him alone. not my  own abilities, but what he provides and gives. i am thankful though for my job at elite and also my new gig at cty, but i still really long for my own classroom and multiple classes of challenge in the form of punkish unwilling high school students to win over with biology.

one more struggle i’ve been having in my life is my unexpected mid-twenties crisis.  so all my life i feel like i’ve been building a sense of who i was and i felt like i knew. but being out here in a new city, unemployed, and newly married, i feel like i’m starting point blank. i don’t have the title of “student” or “insert occupation here” to hide behind; my three educational degrees have no relevance with no purpose to apply them; and i’m also not just me as single unit, but one in a couple of two. i haven’t legally changed my last name yet…and i think a part of me doesn’t want to let go of a part of who i was for so long as it’s one of the only thing that feels familiar.  it’s part of the “humble pie” equation that i’m starting to have a better picture of –>ultimately it lies in where i place my trust and reliance in and up to now, i was unabashedly and almost too proudly able to answer “me”.  and because “me” hasn’t been making much sense as an answer choice anymore, i’ve been having the time to rehash and clear out my heart of the anchors i’ve been holding onto other than God. so i’m sharing all this not to say that things were tough but now they’re wonderful, but to share that God is merciful and gracious in teaching and disciplining stubborn hearts. and that i’m still struggling but i’m making some sense out of the struggle. and despite this internal “me” struggle at this point, i’m thankful for the husband and our life together. things are not perfect as there are definitely days when we want to kung-fu our issues out, but it’s been amazing to be able to walk through this journey with someone who is encouraging, loving, and patient.

so i do long for some fall breeze to come my way– not necessarily bringing bright colored foliage (although that would be lovely), but an awakening of the soul to find a renewed sense of passion for where i currently am in life. i will happily put away my shorts and tank tops in the bottom of the drawers and in the back of the closet. and thus, i sign off by saying a formal goodbye to summer and helllllloooo to fall.

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2 thoughts on “fall 2009

  1. oh esther, sorry to hear about your job search:( sounds tough but seems like God’s doing a good work in you as youre making sense of it all. thanks for sharing. i can relate to a lot of what you said.

    btw, i hear ya about the name change – it took me 7 months! 😛 you can keep all your former names as middle names and just add the new last name though, if that helps…

    sending you chilly Fall breezes!!:)

    • aww thanks for the encouragement sarah! and what would happen to my original last name if i decide to keep my last name as my new middle name?? does it just disappear or does it get added on?? heh heh

      Esther Kang “The task of the modern educator is not to cut down jungles, but to irrigate deserts.”

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