i don’t really have any theme or agenda with this post except to catch up from the last 2 months since i have written which means i’m writing just to ramble.

those first two months moved as slow as molasses with the little one. each week passing by felt like i had to mark it off somewhere with a “whew—i survived!” they were hard. so hard. if i had to summarize each month….

month 1: survival mode from sleep deprivation, postpartum recovery which was so much worse than what i had expected, baby blues crying every few hours, and stress from trying to figure out how to feed the little one and take care of really basic things for a newborn. whole time i was thinking “how is it possible that people choose to have more than 1 kid if they know how horrible it is!!??? please…i’d rather be at work…”

month 2: still figuring things out with the little one. how to get her to sleep, what her schedule looks like, gaining a little bit of confidence with how to take care of her and go out with her by myself and towards the end of 2 months, starting to enjoy time with the baby. baby is starting to sleep at night—PRAISE THE GOOD LORD!!! (i’d add about 10 more exclamation points here after this point but i won’t)

month 3: she is a real person! she no longer just stares off into space, grunts, and cries like a banshee. she smiles and coos and laughs and melts my little mom heart. going out with the little one on new adventures and somehow the time passes by quickly. we go on trips to the zoo, i take her to the gym with me M-F and utilize the childcare and get to feel like a non-mom for 1 whole wonderful hour (everytime i take her, i seriously want to hug the girls in the childcare room that give me a much needed break in the middle of the day), park playdates with random moms from a meetup group, mom and baby yoga, took her to a crybaby matinee and watched a real movie while she slept through it, 2 mile walks to get starbucks, and too many trips to target.  i try to go out and do one thing with her everyday and although bringing her out is hectic and having her cry like she’s getting tortured in the car rides stresses me out, going out is really good for my sanity’s sake and to feel like i am a real functioning human being in society.

so this is where i’m thinking….hey mom life does not have to be miserable! different, yes. harder, yes. but i get to do things with the little one still and i’m really starting to fall in love with E. those times that i said i was in love with her already, i exaggerated. i think i was automated to say that as a mom with a newborn or else i’d be shunned as an emotionally stunted weirdo, but now i’m really starting to love my little baby whom i share my gene pool with. it took me a while, but now i see the baby doing some serious tugging on some heart strings.

so here i am! month 4. i’m now thinking that time is going by way too fast and i am so going to miss all this when i go back to work next fall. i can see why people have more children now. you go through horrible trauma the first month and then the sun comes out and you forget how bad it really was and the love you have for your little one outweighs the sacrifices. not all sunshine though right? there are days when i want to run away jenny-style free as a bird (heh–i recently watched forrest gump), days when i really just want to be taken care of by someone else, and days when i wonder what i just did with my entire day when i don’t have anything incredibly satisfying to check off a to-do list except for the dinner i somehow made while wearing evelyn in the ergo and spilling hot sauce on her little head. but i want to hold firm in that God redeems even these days of seemingly uneventful mom days when i feel so unimportant and yet still so exhausted. i look at the little sleeping baby with a rush of love and i see this is how God sees us—helpless and yet so beautiful but only because we are his children and Jesus has redeemed us and has wiped our sins clean by taking them to the cross. E’s cute but objectively speaking, she’s an average baby—when i see her through my mom eyes though, she can be a baby gap model. God sees us like that….a hopelessly postpartum flabby everywhere me can be a gap model because of christ’s redemption for us on the cross. that came out wrong, but you know what i mean. 🙂 and i think i’m done with this post. no ending except “good night”  because i really did start this post with the intention of rambling.

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