i wish i was more consistent about blogging as i really do think throughout the day “oh, i’d so like to share this thought with others” and then completely forget about it one hour later. ha, but i have to say, that i really did write somewhat more consistently than the other past few years when i first started this blog because i have been at home and also because there are some things with e that i really do not want to forget. i kind of miss xanga many many years back as it was the only form of social media that people used. i just dated myself here because i know—xanga isn’t even around anymore! but i remember my first xanga blog i wrote in the middle of the night sitting in my freshmen dorm in 2001—even the idea of a public blog was so exciting. i find myself also writing a lot of blog posts and then not ever publishing them because it winds up being more of a random thought jumble–no organization whatsoever as i see this one going….but let me try to pull some thoughts together.
time has now turned in to an official countdown until i go back to work. i started off thinking that one year was a huge block of time that would never reach its end. but as i’m in the final month, i can’t get over how something seemingly so bountiful could slip away so quickly. i’ve especially felt that these days. when people ask what do i do all day, i have to sometimes stop and try to recollect what i even did the day before. day to day, things seem hectic and busy—routines, gym, appointments, play dates, errands, housework and getting dinner ready–things kind of go by in a blur. But at the end of the week, sometimes I wonder what exactly I got done. Sure—lots of small things but I don’t see the big picture and that has been a slight bit disheartening sometimes. Where’s this big final product that I would love to see and hold? I can’t point to this one thing that I got done where i feel a sense of accomplishment from. one might point out that e should be this thing, but i guess it’s honestly just hard to see my sense of purpose day to day while giving glory to God in the small things. and not making my day about me but really about how to serve God even in changing e’s diaper or being loving to my husband when I’m tired and cranky. this is a daily real battle for me and i feel that satan uses my sense of worth as a mom to tempt me to find discontentment in the good and amazing gifts that God has given.
a friend has inspired me to actually read and finish 3 books a month. i love this idea so this is something i hope to continue through the years. i think picking up a book is like starting a relationship. after reading reviews and doing the research, you start hesitantly, hoping to find something worthwhile in the 800 pages you’re about to embark on. you form judgements along the way and for some you already get the feeling early on that you won’t like it but you hesitantly wonder if you should drop it now or give it shot and keep going. some you start off right away loving and then you find that it disappoints later on. regardless of whether a book is good or not, it does feel nice to actually have a goal of finishing it to the end–i have started so many books in the past only to drop it early on or more than three quarters through because i decide it’s not worth my time but committing to actually finishing what i start has been good. i have mostly been sticking to the new yorker as my reading source the past year so to delve into good fiction again has been awesome. this month i’ve read the lowland by jhumpa lahiri (her books are all twinged with sadness but this one still was a book i really enjoyed), everything i never told you by celeste ng (had high hopes for this one as it was so recommended but the characters and plot line were so predictable and not that interesting at all), and is everyone hanging out without me by mindy kaling (an audiobook—i laughed my way through most of the whole thing. you either like mindy kaling or hate her, but her self deprecating humor is right up my alley)
not too long ago, i discovered this was a huge difference between paul and me. i don’t really like starting movies unless there is a hope that it will actually be a good one and that my time commitment will have some payoff. i have to check rotten tomatoes before i even think about starting one and this is because i realize that i get really annoyed and almost angry when i have to sit through something really bad. so paul and i were starting a movie one night and i already got the sense that it was going to be horrible. about 15 minutes through, i was already ready to call it quits. watching the horrible acting and the very predictable plot line was painful and already my time had felt wasted. i kept hinting to paul we should stop to watch another movie but he firmly resisted and this shocked me. he explained that for him, stopping the movie now was a big waste of time for the time that he had already put in and he had to see it through the end even though it was a bad movie. can i be frank and say that my husband’s insistence on commitment and finishing something through to the end is probably what got us through our 5 years of dating and long distance? ha, if it had been up to me while we were dating, i would have picked up and run away every time things got too difficult and as we were getting to see the ugly sinful side of pursuing a deep relationship. but by the grace of God and paul’s unwillingness even to quit a horrible movie we have made it through this far! 😉