so in korean tradition, a big deal is made out of the 100 days. from what i know, i think it was first celebrated because a lot of babies just didn’t make it beyond the 100 day marker after they were born. and as much as i make fun of or criticize a lot of korean traditions and customs that don’t make much sense to me as a second generation-er, when it comes to any sort of celebration, i am always down and it is also a really nice marking point in p’s life as a newborn and for me as a mom to a newborn.
so p is now a little over 3 months now which reminds me we do need to do the 3 month photo at some point before we hit the next month-ha. and really, i can’t believe just two months ago, my whole body was still achy and recovering from birth. p has had his first set of shots, cries and screams really hard in the carseat at night, is trying really hard to roll over (please don’t do this too soon!!), and has been laughing and smiling it up like crazy. did i already mention that he is such an easy baby?? if we had him first, i’m pretty sure that i would have had our second baby the very next year. or maybe not because i would have had no other standard to compare him to to know that he was an easy baby.
but out of all baby milestones which to be honest, i don’t really care all that much to make a deal out of, the most important one ever for me has always been the very first night of uninterrupted sleep. this past week, he has slept for 2 days in a row all the way through the night and has finally given me and dad actual real rest!!!! we both woke up saying—did you feed him??? thank you little p! knocking on wood and hoping this is good at least until his 5 month sleep regression.
i have been feeling so blessed through our marriage and i am so thankful. we went through some really tough patches when we were working out issues when his mom was living with us during the weekday to help watch e around 2 years ago. in retrospect, her living with us wasn’t the problem–it just helped to bring out the sinfulness already in our hearts and we had to constantly address the consequences of our sinfulness. but really thankful now–God really did use this time to strengthen our marriage and i feel as though i can trust him so much more. i almost feel like i needed something drastic to really help me see the depth of my own anger issues and tendency to get easily frustrated and mean.
this past month too has been really eye opening in seeing the difference between happiness and joy. i could have had a fantastic morning and afternoon and then when the mid-afternoon tiredness creeps and right as i start to prepare dinner and go through the simultaneous chaos of chopping and baby diaper blowouts and preschooler wanting me to read four books to her, i start to feel sorry for myself and think…sigh, it would be so much easier to be at work for 12 hours and then come home. i know–such stupid thinking and also super unfair to paul who comes home after working so hard to a cranky wife. and i let myself wallow in “moms have it so hard” self-pity until i get to have some alone time at night. i realized how easily i let my mind go there and how i excuse away my sinfulness by thinking it is normal to feel this way and how little my every day contentment truly comes from Christ and living out the gospel. i have moments of happiness when i am just enjoying being a mom and spending time with family and friends but it wasn’t joy because it wasn’t rooted in my identity in Christ and i know this is so because as soon as living gets a little tough, i easily sink into a grumbling heart.
but these last few weeks, i have been praying for the word of God to actually take real fruit in my life as bible reading has been so mechanical and cold for the past few months and i feel like it actually has. i’ve been so much more aware of the state of my heart and the sinful thoughts that run through my head and instead of letting them play out and lead to angry grumbling, i have been trying to pray and fight it as i remind myself of the truth of the gospel in even the mundane thankless chores around the house. i realized it is better on rough days to not have dinner ready for the family if i am going to sin in having a bitter heart and instead it’s better to have paul come home with mexican takeout. i didn’t know how i put that pressure on myself to take care of the kids well, have the chores done, a nice dinner cooked, and the house semi-clean because i felt like this was my main job while i am at home during maternity leave, but i realized that a much more important job that i have as a mom and wife is to make sure that my heart condition is taken care of first.
so in many ways, feeling really thankful these days. not because life is peachy rosy because most of the time, it’s just the mundane day to day, but because God really has been so faithful to us in helping us to see our sins and change little by little.
PAULYESTHER 